Movie Premiere

There has been a lot happening over the last few months but very little that really MATTERS! The first and only very important thing which has been happening is that our very special little friend Imogen has been getting out there and enjoying life! Well done for her and Fee, Jas, Kody and Ashton. They should be admired for making the most of the time they have together rather than getting bogged down with grief. That's not to say they aren't totally devastated and have times of mourning the future they rightly deserve. To continue being a family is what these amazing people can do for their little girl and themselves and it will help them heal over time I am sure.

I just don't want anyone to forget that just because Joshys battle is done does not mean there aren't thousands of kids fighting this war right at this moment. We can't become complacent about children's cancer, it is a terrible thing for a family to suffer and if all the people who have been touched by these horrific diseases band together to find better treatments to lead to the holy grail "CURE" surely the powers that be have to listen.

So, in order to feel like I am helping to make a consious effort to combat cancer I am organising a movie premiere, raffle and woodwork auction from 5.15pm on 5th November of The Time Traveller's Wife. Neuroblastoma affects my life everyday just with the simple fact that Josh is no longer physically in it and also that our gorgeous friend Immie still has her battle to fight. This epidemic has affected so many of my wonderful friends and their families.

Anika is happy at daycare on Mondays and other than still having trouble with reflux and sleeping she is doing really well. She talks about Joshy every day a dozen or so times, often just little comments like "look mum, a rainbow, Josh sent it for us, Hi Joshy!!!" or "Josh really liked green" or "Can I hold Joshy's elephant?" (a jade elephant I found after Josh died, he would have loved it it is little and Anika often holds it when she is sad or upset). I am very happy she isn't afraid to talk about/to him but when she turns to me with tears in her eyes saying that she misses him I wish I could spare her from the hurt we all feel.

I am still looking for part-time work with no success so far. Maybe the universe is telling me something but I am finding it hard to listen right now with all the noise that is going on in my head. I am struggling to sleep too.

Thanks for listening,

Hannah

Pray for the Holmes Family

I am just posting to ask all of you to please pray/think of/send happy and positive thoughts to our beautiful friends Fee, Jason, Kody and amazing Immie who is now fighting her third bout of Neuroblastoma. I don't know much about her condition but I do know how incredibly wonderful and courageous that sweet little girl is. I can't hold myself together at the moment so it might be a bit garbled.

Sometimes I just hate the world we live in for all the crap and horrific things that happen to people I love so much. Whatever you've got, they need it right now. Feeling this way is close enough to how I feel when we were going through all this with Josh. And these beautiful people have gone through this news TWICE now but they get back up and keep going. Also please pray for a safe arrival for the tiny new Holmes baby boy who is due to arrive in less than three weeks into the middle of this chaos.

Fee, anything, any time. Immie we love you so much and we're coming to see you soon. If love could get Immie through this she would be cured by now but it doesn't hurt to send it to give them all strength. The blog is http://www.theholmesgang.blogspot.com/ have a look and leave a message of support, this family is just amazing and have been such good friends to us.

Hannah

Recent Events

It's been ages since I posted but once again it seems like so much has happened but really so little. We have had tea out at Dylans as a family which is nice and also had nights at Mums and my Mum-in-laws for yummy food. We have been visiting Josh's plaque every week once or twice and leaving flowers for him. We also found some freesias someone else left for him which is so nice of them.

Anika has been having fun bikeriding and taking Fudge for walks and on visits to Grandmas house to play with Jedda. She had a FANTASTIC birthday party and was given lots of lovely presents. She especially loved the presents from her "away" friends Immie, Emma and Alana and her cousins Molly and George. I think she likes the idea that they are still thinking about her even though she can't see them.

On Monday she announced to me that she was going to be a doctor or nurse to help sick people and do their makeup (she will also be a part-time makeup artist - her words, not mine!). She will also have two kids; reduced from nine now thankfully, a boy and a girl. The girl will be Cloe after the Bratz character and the boy will be called Joshy. "Then I can have my Joshy back" she said and refused to believe it would not be the same Joshy and that many other kids have the same name but aren't the same person as our Josh.

My adventure at hospital last week is all sorted out and no more tetanus needles for me for a while! It wasn't fun but no damage done.

Sales of the "Josh's Bears" have been going really well thanks to my lovely mum (another $550 banked yesterday - a total of $945 from bear sales) and the Everyday Heroes page has gone up again. I am going to try and book the movie premiere of Mao's Last Dancer to boost the total. It will be in the middle of October and tickets will be $22 each. If we fill the cinema that will mean we will have another $3000 to add on and I may even try to do two premieres over the next 4 months before christmas. So...if anyone wants tickets, let me know and when it is all confirmed I will let you know. Bears are in Kingdom Kare, TumbleJam, Albany Occasional Daycare, ABC Learning, Rainbow Daycare, Albany Regional Daycare, Family House North Rd, YMCA Early Learning Centre and we are hoping to move thm around to different locations over the next couple of months. I am also purchasing 25 bears to take up to Perth to PMH on Josh's birthday to give to the kids in 3B Oncology as a sort of double present, the money ($375) goes to Childrens Cancer Institute of Australia and the kids get the heatpacks for their sore bones and tummies.

I hope everyone is happy and well and wishing all the Daddies a Happy Fathers Day for on Sunday.

Hannah

A Message to My Family

"I know your heart is breaking
as you try to understand.
I know that things didn't turn out
as you and I had planned.

But know that I am safe now,
away from all life's harm
and know that when I left you ,
I walked into God's sweet arms.

I know you waited by my side;
I heard the prayers you said.
Your voice and touch were comforting
as you stood beside my bed.

And though I couldn't tell you,
I knew that you were there.
I felt your hand in mine,
I heard you whisper in my ear.

I know you think I'm gone from you,
but dear ones, I am close.
I'd never leave alone the ones
God knows I love the most.

In your dreams I'll come to you,
we'll visit for a while.
I'll touch your hand and kiss your cheek;
we'll laugh and share a smile.

Please know that I'm at peace now,
and grateful for the chance.
For in the presence of the Lord,
with angels I now dance.

Though Heaven stands between us,
we'll never be apart:
For nothing separates
the love of those joined at the heart."

Almost three months with out Josh.

It has been so long since I posted that I can't even remember what I have told all of you. For the record, what people say about it not getting easier with time but harder is honestly true (for me at least). I have to say that I spend a huge amount of my time thinking about Josh and yes I do torture myself with thoughts of what I could/should/would have done differently if I knew what would happen in Josh's last days. I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but when you miss someone so much not just emotionally but also physically. Josh was such a loving touchy feely boy that not being able to cuddle him and give him a kiss goodnight is torturous.

I'm not trying to make nyone feel sorry for me but knowing mentally that Josh is not coming back is very different from the realisation really sinking in. Believing in miracles and hoping for one so strongly can make it hard to accept a terrible reality like this. The beautiful family portrait on our lounge room at least gives us something positive to focus on. Many positive things have come through Josh's illness and although so much of it was painful and incredibly sad for all of us I have always felt Josh would not win this battle, like it was meant to happen and this course was meant to carry us on to a way of living and coping with Josh's death and on to learning from the experience and taking on the life lessons he taught us. Now everything I do is influenced by what the best I can do for the most positive outcome, how I can help someone else out and how to continue to keep Josh's memory alive.

The plaque is up on the boardwalk at Middleton Beach where Josh used to stop and look out over his kingdom on earth. It is where we plan to scatter his ashes when we are technically allowed to put up a permanent plaque in 3 years time. I know he would have loved the clandestine nature of sneaking up to erect it in the middle of the night and giggling about the yellow rose (his favourite) we pinched from the bus depot to leave for him. I think Anika is pleased about having the memorial up now where she can go and say hello to him. Just after we fixed the plaque, the clouds parted and we could see Josh's star smiling down on us.
Anika is about to turn 4!!! Next weekend on 16th Aug my little baby is not a baby anymore or even a toddler...although she hasn't been for a long time now it is the finality of it that gets to me. I am never having another baby! How sad !!! I will just have to borrow Peanut and get baby fixes in the supermarket...I will hereafter be known as "that strange woman who kidnaps babies".

Anika is so excited about her party and seeing her friends. We are planning a less organised party this year and hoping it all just works out. No party games really as it is just too hard to organise with so many kids in the house! She wants a My Little Pony cake so we will see how I manage that one!!! Of course it will be a big pink and frilly day..the complete antithesis of her brother. She is still loving swimming lessons but is getting really lonely and wanting other kids to play with. A couple of weeks ago I started Anika in daycare on Mondays so she has a chance to get out of the house and make some new friends. So far it has been a huge hit! If we could afford it, I'd put her in another day but we are getting no Child Care Benefit so it is just way too much. Every day all I hear is "When can I see my friends? Can I go to see Ty and Jassy?" It feels horrible to have to say no but what can I do? She is too old for the playgroups, Toddler Gym, Rhyme Time at the library and pretty much everything else but too young for Kindy! If anyone has any other ideas I am open to suggestions.

I'm working Wednesday nights teaching Builders Registration guys spreadsheets and Thursday mornings teaching young mums Spreadsheets, Budgeting and Work Scheduling. It's going well and although it isn't much, Anika is still not happy with me being gone at all. I am enjoying it but the night classes are so tiring!
My break is over so back to work.

Hannah

What has been happening

Well, so much has happened in the last six weeks yet so little! We have recently been to Perth to hopefully catch up with everyone (not very successful as no-one was at RMH, Megazone was shut and our fave Captain Starlight Lisa was not there either!). We did get to say hi to Dr Felicity our little man's champion consultant, a few of the sweet nurses and Hil at "the desk" and of course beautiful and always lovely Ranita. We also made it to the zoo where the elephants actually came up to the wire to say hi to us! We saw my dad and Peter's too (where we stayed), visited our special friend Alison from RMH in hospital and briefly caught up with Lara, Peter's sweet cousin.

Fudge has been in and had "the snip" and tried to get his big hernia fixed - it didn't work - and is missing Josh but also being a big comfort to us. We collected Josh's ashes last week which was almost as hard as his funeral and Fudgey is always good for a cuddle when you feel rotten.

Anika of course misses Josh very badly but doesn't get too upset now, she's just lonely, not used to being an only child. We are planning to get her into daycare a day a week soon so she can be around other kids a bit more often. Otherwise she is great, so beautiful and kind and clever.

We had a very special visit last week from our PMH friend Immie and her beautiful mum Fee. They stayed with friends on Thursday and Friday night but during the day we had a ball at the pool and playcentre. Anika hasn't stopped talking about Immie ever since although at the time, they were of course grumpy with each other. It is so good to have incredible friends like that who truly understand and care enough to come all the way from Perth to see us. Thank you so much, it was so amazing to see you, outside the hospital for the first time too!

The photos are from Joshy's funeral (thanks Abby), you can see the kids having fun, it is exactly what he would have wanted.

We are mostly OK. Sometimes the world fails to spin on it's axis, but for the main part we are all getting through each day with all limbs intact.

Keep remembering his beautiful heart and capacity to love, it is the glue that holds my pieces together,

Hannah

After Life

Josh's funeral was...fitting. I can't think of any other way to describe it. Almost all of his special people were there and many people wore green to honour Josh's favourite colour. As you can imagine for those of you could not attend, it was a very emotional day and although in one way it was so teribbly sad, it was sprinkled with the magic that Josh brought to our lives. At the balloon release, there was one green balloon that hovered just above the trees for some time and the sun suddenly came out as we watched it drift out of sight. Aaron was devastated and Anika coped quite well. She and her and Josh's special PMH & RMH friend Ethan went hand in hand to say goodbye to Joshie after the ceremony and touched his hand and said what they needed to. Afterward the wake was so brilliantly done by our friend Cherie and the special Joshie cake she made (mudcake with an elephant on the top and flowers) was a fitting tribute to his love of tea parties, chocolate cake and elephants! The kids all went out and played loudly on the lawns outside the tearooms and it was just how Josh would have liked it, happy and casual.

We are not doing too badly. Just trying to re-establish a routine without Josh's constant presence. It is much harder than it sounds and it is odd moments when I break down a bit such as seeing a little boy holding his mum's hand and realising I will never feel his sticky warm hand in mine again. Having such great friends certainly eases it a bit by knowing Josh meant so much to many people. All the cards and messages are very much appreciated, even if I lack the strength right now to answer them. Huge thanks to all who have donated to www.everydayhero.com.au/hannah_wisniewski it has now boosted the total to over $2,500 which is great. We are hoping to do some more newspaper, radio and TV bits to boost that too.

Before I go, I just have to say a very big thankyou to everyone who travelled from Perth, Bunbury, Busselton and even Geraldton (over 800km away!!!) to attend Josh's celebration. It made it so special seeing some of our hospital and other friends there. I want to give you all a big hug!

Live life with passion,

Hannah

Celebration of Life

A Celebration of Life will be held for Josh at Allambie Park Crematorium Chapel tomorrow morning 23rd May 2009 from 9.15am due to severe weather conditions. We are assembling at the gate and following the cortege to the chapel. For close friends and family, a Wake will be held following the service at The Old Farm, Strawberry Hill Tearooms where we can share happy memories of Josh and any who would like to speak are welcome to.

We have been keeping busy organising things for Josh's Celebration all week and trying to spend time with Anika in between. We went to the Circus Joseph Ashton with Laura, Laught, Ty, Jassy, Grandma, Joel and Granny on the 2yr anniversary of Josh's diagnosis last Sunday. He loved the circus and would have loved to go.

We went to Anika's swimming lesson last week and yesterday to keep things as "normal" as possible for her. She misses Josh very badly and now sleeps in his room and tells everyone all about him.

Coping and not too bad at the moment, thanks for all the cards, flowers and messages of support. We appreciate all of them so much.

Hannah

Soft Angel Wings

We are saddened to let those of you who don't already know that Josh took his last breath at 3.45pm on 13th May 2009. He was peaceful and had Peter and I holding his hand, Anika giving him a kiss and his Grandma and Granny at his side. His funeral will be on Saturday 23rd May at 9.00am at the ANZAC Peace Park at this stage. Yet to be confirmed.

Thank you to all of you who have been so kind. Special thanks to Fee for her beautiful tribute to Josh which you can read http://www.theholmesgang.blogspot.com/ here.

He will be sadly missed but much loved forever.

Hannah

The past two days

Josh has had a very unsettled day today after a very comfortable day yesterday. We had to stop his subcutaneous fluids as the line stopped working and a second attempt failed also. He has had an increase in morphine infusion and had several bolus doses also yet is still not comfortable. His breathing is laboured and very mucousy which he is finding painful though he is also on medication for that. Everyone has been great coming over in the middle of the night and both the mums have been a great help too. Anika is more unsettled and is being a bit disruptive, I think she needs to find there is closure to Josh's pain (as we all do) as it is so hard to fathom how he keeps fighting in spite of terrible pain.

Wish him peace and love.

Hannah

PS Congratulations to Fee, Jas, Kody and Immie who have discovered they are having a baby boy! He looks so gorgeous even at 20weeks gestation. Well done, you are so clever!!!