Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Message to My Family

"I know your heart is breaking
as you try to understand.
I know that things didn't turn out
as you and I had planned.

But know that I am safe now,
away from all life's harm
and know that when I left you ,
I walked into God's sweet arms.

I know you waited by my side;
I heard the prayers you said.
Your voice and touch were comforting
as you stood beside my bed.

And though I couldn't tell you,
I knew that you were there.
I felt your hand in mine,
I heard you whisper in my ear.

I know you think I'm gone from you,
but dear ones, I am close.
I'd never leave alone the ones
God knows I love the most.

In your dreams I'll come to you,
we'll visit for a while.
I'll touch your hand and kiss your cheek;
we'll laugh and share a smile.

Please know that I'm at peace now,
and grateful for the chance.
For in the presence of the Lord,
with angels I now dance.

Though Heaven stands between us,
we'll never be apart:
For nothing separates
the love of those joined at the heart."

Almost three months with out Josh.

It has been so long since I posted that I can't even remember what I have told all of you. For the record, what people say about it not getting easier with time but harder is honestly true (for me at least). I have to say that I spend a huge amount of my time thinking about Josh and yes I do torture myself with thoughts of what I could/should/would have done differently if I knew what would happen in Josh's last days. I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself but when you miss someone so much not just emotionally but also physically. Josh was such a loving touchy feely boy that not being able to cuddle him and give him a kiss goodnight is torturous.

I'm not trying to make nyone feel sorry for me but knowing mentally that Josh is not coming back is very different from the realisation really sinking in. Believing in miracles and hoping for one so strongly can make it hard to accept a terrible reality like this. The beautiful family portrait on our lounge room at least gives us something positive to focus on. Many positive things have come through Josh's illness and although so much of it was painful and incredibly sad for all of us I have always felt Josh would not win this battle, like it was meant to happen and this course was meant to carry us on to a way of living and coping with Josh's death and on to learning from the experience and taking on the life lessons he taught us. Now everything I do is influenced by what the best I can do for the most positive outcome, how I can help someone else out and how to continue to keep Josh's memory alive.

The plaque is up on the boardwalk at Middleton Beach where Josh used to stop and look out over his kingdom on earth. It is where we plan to scatter his ashes when we are technically allowed to put up a permanent plaque in 3 years time. I know he would have loved the clandestine nature of sneaking up to erect it in the middle of the night and giggling about the yellow rose (his favourite) we pinched from the bus depot to leave for him. I think Anika is pleased about having the memorial up now where she can go and say hello to him. Just after we fixed the plaque, the clouds parted and we could see Josh's star smiling down on us.
Anika is about to turn 4!!! Next weekend on 16th Aug my little baby is not a baby anymore or even a toddler...although she hasn't been for a long time now it is the finality of it that gets to me. I am never having another baby! How sad !!! I will just have to borrow Peanut and get baby fixes in the supermarket...I will hereafter be known as "that strange woman who kidnaps babies".

Anika is so excited about her party and seeing her friends. We are planning a less organised party this year and hoping it all just works out. No party games really as it is just too hard to organise with so many kids in the house! She wants a My Little Pony cake so we will see how I manage that one!!! Of course it will be a big pink and frilly day..the complete antithesis of her brother. She is still loving swimming lessons but is getting really lonely and wanting other kids to play with. A couple of weeks ago I started Anika in daycare on Mondays so she has a chance to get out of the house and make some new friends. So far it has been a huge hit! If we could afford it, I'd put her in another day but we are getting no Child Care Benefit so it is just way too much. Every day all I hear is "When can I see my friends? Can I go to see Ty and Jassy?" It feels horrible to have to say no but what can I do? She is too old for the playgroups, Toddler Gym, Rhyme Time at the library and pretty much everything else but too young for Kindy! If anyone has any other ideas I am open to suggestions.

I'm working Wednesday nights teaching Builders Registration guys spreadsheets and Thursday mornings teaching young mums Spreadsheets, Budgeting and Work Scheduling. It's going well and although it isn't much, Anika is still not happy with me being gone at all. I am enjoying it but the night classes are so tiring!
My break is over so back to work.