Happy 7th Birthday Little Man

Today as everyone can probably understand wasn't the easiest day in so many ways, but I did keep a very deep sense of peace at least, which has surprised me - especially as the weekend was so difficult. I think it was my gift from Josh. It is so like him to be giving me the gifts on HIS birthday!

We had a really nice picnic lunch at Middleton Beach, pinched some roses for Josh's plaque (I could hear his evil little cackle as I did it!) and sent him some balloons to add to the angel party I am sure was going on just beyond our reach.

Thank you to everyone who called, texted and posted for us, it means so much that Josh is remembered and still much loved. He gave us so many gifts in his time here and us honouring his life is the most important thing we can do for him.

The pain doesn't lessen with time contrary to popular belief, it just moves deeper inside you and you learn to grow around it. That's how I like to think of it, with Josh still being at the core of our family and celebrating our milestones right beside us. In fact it's what gets me up in the morning. I don't want Josh feeling sad I am not making to most of the opportunities I have to enjoy life and enrich other people's lives.

Today and always, so proud and grateful to be Josh's mumma forever. Sending you angel kisses darling, still wishing on rainbows and shooting stars. XXX

Approaching Storm

It's been so long since I updated...nothing much has changed in our little world. Josh still dominates every thought I have every single day and there is no relief. Some days are worse than others or should I say some days are better than others if I am trying to be "Glass-half-full". I will never understand what has happened to Josh and although I can see why he was sent to us I still think surely there had to be a better way of teaching us that giving us a little piece of magic and light and then stealing it away again so we are plunged into darkness. Other people are moving on with their lives but we are trapped in grief with our little man who's Forever Five.

When Josh was here our lives were full to overflowing with love and laughter. Now our cups are just that little less full. The world has lost some of it's beauty and every incredible moment is tinged with the thought that it isn't quite as special without Josh here to share it. He deserved to have a wonderful life and instead got cheated with the life of pain and distress he was given. My dreams are always plagued by the same question, whether at the end he could feel as much pain as we believe he did and was as distressed as we were when he drifted away. Did he see us fall apart?

Our other little whirlwind keeps us motivated to get through this and she is really an amazing girl. Anika is so good at everything she does and her opportunities seem endless as all children's should. She is filled with this amazing potential to be anything she wants to be and we are so proud of her. She has started Girl Guides and Irish Dancing in the last couple of months and she is very good! She loves Guides because she can get together with other kids and just have fun. She told me not long ago that she is scared of being alone and hates it, meaning with no brother beside her. She said now Joshy is gone and Aaron doesn't want to see her she is all alone. It breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do to fix this.

I am not trying to say our lives are devoid of happiness and we are depressed with our lives. On the contrary, we are very grateful to have plenty of love, fun and two living and growing children to be with. It is just that the sadness can be overwhelming and many times it creeps up on you. When you look sad, other assume something has happened in the very recent past to upset you but it isn't so, you never forget your child, you carry them with you every second of the day. Sometimes they are light and joyful and help your heart get through the day and other days their memories are grey and of the bleakest moments. The mental images are so powerful that one moment you can be in a happy place and the next an image of suffering and pain flashes through your mind and you crumble on the inside.

The trouble is that our wounds are on the inside so they rarely show and we make a good go at getting on with things and we do genuinely cope quite well but there are times when nothing but one of Joshy's radiant smiles could drive the darkness out. Nothing erases memories, either happy or distressing, they just cycle in your head making a sort of white noise in the background of your life.

So the next time I look sad or uspet, don't assume it is problems in my day to day life that are affecting me, they are insignificant. Really how can anything be OK without the centre of our world? That's all, just needed to get that off my chest.

To all the families, especially the angel families both new and those from years past, our love and very happy memories are with you all at one of the challenging times of the year. The times that you can't help but making milestones of like I do; Josh's first christmas in heaven, Josh would have been six today, my first birthday without Josh. This month is our milestone of "Josh would have been 7 today" on 29th November. These dates bring back memories both happy and sad and serve to magnify my sense of loss as I imagine it does other angel families. I will be thinking of each and every one of your children and hear the echos left behind of their laughs and see their sweet faces in my minds eye. Love to you all,

Hannah

Precious Josh

We have survived a year without your laugh and your smile. That is about all I can say Joshy, some things have changed but many have stayed the same. Our love for you does not change as time passes but grows deeper as we discover memories others share with us and realise the full effects you had on everyone around you. So sunny and funny and wise in so many ways. You will be missed all the days until we are reunited.

"In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious Child, precious child

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Though it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever...in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is hope

And you are with me still

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Though it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever...in my heart

God knows I want to hold you

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you're not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Though it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever...in my heart"

Thanks to everyone who sent cards, texts, emails and posts. It helps to know Josh was loved and will be remembered.

Love and hope to our beautiful friends The Holmes Gang in one of the hardest weeks they will have to endure with their beautiful Imogen's Passing Parade. She would have loved it and you did a wonderful job of honouring your amazing Princess Ladybird. Thank you for sharing her light with the world and letting us be part of her parade, she will not be forgotten and will be eternally loved as will you all. Imogen May Eileen Holmes, newest and brightest angel, we love you and were honoured to be in your life. XXX

Update

Elephant Rocks, paradise on earth

Anika's First day of school

Holly Saphira McKenzie

Immie and Anika

It has been so long since I posted I don't know what I have said last time! We have been going along reasonably OK recently but with the odd bursts of complete devastation and overwhelming sadness. One day that was so full of joy but also sadness that Josh could not be there was the birth of darling little Holly my best friend Laura's sweet girl. Josh loved babies and would have been so gentle and loving with her. I could picture him holding her when I took Anika up there to meet her a few hours after she was born. I was so privileged and grateful to be the only person other than Laura and Laughton to be at the birth and to be official photographer for such an emotional and private experience. I still cannot believe I got to witness a new life be born! It is so completely different to giving birth yourself with the anxiousness for someone you love so much being in such pain and not physically being able to do anything about it. You were amazing guys, so calm and relaxed, I am in awe of this perfect little princess you created who I will be forever tied to by this incredible moment in time.

Another such time full of joy and sadness was our day in Denmark going snorkelling (Anika's first time and another first Josh never got to have) at Green's Pool where we went on our camping trip with Josh and Danny and Brayden last summer. We visited the ironically named Elephant Rocks where the beauty of the scenery just overwhelms you and the meadery for honey icecream which was one of Joshys favourite places in the world. He just affects my every moment in so many ways. Many days at night I go to his room and curl up in his bed with his blankie and cry until I am empty. It never goes away, but some moments hit you more than others.

Anika's first day and first term of school went wonderfully. She has made so many friends, especially Lily, Kate, Nyssa and Ashlyn. She can write her own name almost right. She is met every day by a group of kids calling her to play with them "Hi Anika, come and dig in the sand pit with us!" and is liked by her teachers who see how bright and outgoing she is. I am so happy she enjoys it and celebrate every little victory with her, enjoying being parent helper and seeing the new projects she has done. But I feel this creeping bitterness that Josh never got this chance. He should have had friends waiting at the gate for him. He should have been the teachers pet. He was clever and funny and sweet. Why did my beautiful, intelligent, dazzling little boy not get this life too? Why is he not starting year one with his friends and why did he get left behind? This will never, never, never make sense because it is completely illogical.

Our very special and charismatic friend Immie is nearing the end of her Journey too and I just weep for the things she did and had to do because of this shit of a disease, and I weep for the things she will never get to but should by rights have got to do. What reason is there that she should be taken? I made this bargain with God when Josh relapsed "OK God, so you have to take Joshy. I knew it would come. Just do one thing for me please, just one little thing OK? Just leave us Immie. Her family needs her, WE need her to be OK, to live, to love to grow up and make mistakes and learn from them like the rest of us. If she gets this life my son should have had, I will never ask for anything else, I promise. Amen" Well, God broke his end of the bargain didn't he? And right now I have to say I feel that God, you suck! There is no sense to this, no purpose and no benefit from my beautiful friends suffering and her family hurting more than she does having to bear witness to her pain.

I wish you a painfree journey Immie and a peaceful rest you have earned a thousand times over with the fight you put up. Go with love in your last walk however long or short it may be knowing Josh, Blake, James, Naomi, Savanna and so many others will be there to take your hand. You will not be alone and you will be loved and remembered always.

Aaron's Birthday

Cutting the cake (so delish)

Birthday Boy

What a poser! At Muttonbird Island.

It's not Baywatch, it's Boofwatch...or is that Woofwatch?

Hi everyone...we have been so busy over the last few weeks!!!

Firstly we have had Aaron staying with us for the last two weeks. This year we did not have him for christmas but got to spend his birthday with him which was great! We have spent the time he has been here visiting the beach, pool, going to the movies, playing heaps of Wii and just chilling out. For his birthday we had a quiet (ish) pizza night with family and a beautiful icecream cake from Granny (thanks very much for making Aaron's day so special). I think (hope) his 15th birthday was fun...to think when I met him he was an adorable 5yr old just starting school and now he is almost a *gulp* MAN! Makes me feel a lot older than 28!!!

I have started full-time work at Lincolns Accounting and Business Management! Yes, I have a "grown-up job" now and can pay bills, wear a bluetooth headset and answer phones! It was quick but exciting to start the day after I was offered the position on Monday. So far I am loving it! Ask me again on Monday evening after my first day out of training and flying solo and it may be a different story!!! Seriously tho, they are wonderful people there and I feel I will be very happy and will slot in well. The job is a very demanding one being for such a large firm and having such a vital job range so I will enjoy the challenge. The atmosphere in that office should be bottled, so positive and supportive. I sound like a Lincolns recruiting agent!

We are all well with no major problems, just plodding along. We have our down days but we have fantastic support from family and friends that I for one never feel lonely or alone which I think is really important for bereaved families. I hope my other angel mummies get as much love and understanding as I do. By the way, thanks so much Mille for the chat this morning, you are a great friend.

I am so looking forward to the pitter patter of little McKenzie feet, roll on March! You'd think it was me who was expecting. Only a few weeks to go til we get to cuddle (smother with love) the new little princess. AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love babies! I wanted to just squeeze Sebastian this morning, he is so yummy.

Have a happy smiley Sunday and think of me braving it without my Svengali Marie on Monday, whatta girl she is, I am sad she has to leave for me to start there!

Hannah
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Christmas

Daddy and Anika fishing at Whaler's cove

At Whalers Cove - Danny, Pete, Anika and Lea

Anika the Christmas Tree

Thank you to everyone for being so understanding over the holiday season that we aren't really feeling in much of a party mood. I think it is harder the further time goes by since we have seen Josh and held him in our arms. Not having him there ripping into his presents and admiring Anika's goodies and making a fuss about her and just being so excited is a very bitter pill to swallow. And there will be endless other christmasses, birthdays, events and milestones Joshy won't be here to share with us. It makes me wonder how much longer I can stand not having him here. Sometimes it feels so raw that I would swear my insides are being sucked out slowly. Don't be concerned I am going to be stupid though, I have a wonderful little girl right here with me to keep me going. I think my technique for getting through the day now is to push it down and get on with life and laugh wholeheartedly and then to let myself crumble when it gets too much. The wound heals from the inside out and the edges pull together a little more each day but there will always be a scar.

We had a lovely christmas in spite of our lost little man and had a seafood BBQ of yabbies, shark and lamb chops with Mum, Dad, Joel, Ben, Erin and Zac down at the beach. The kids splashed around and it was good not to be somewhere we had spent all the other christmasses with Josh, it would have been too hard. Mum did a great job of catering (as always) and we had yummy food, great weather and fantastic company *bliss*. Later on Pete's brother Danny and lovely Mum Lea came back down from Busselton on christmas night. Danny was one of Josh's very favourite people and it was good to have him stay with us until the 31st. Many of you know my mother-in-law was an angel for us during Josh's illness and now she is doing the same for Dan and his kids, she is a very special lady.

In the last month we have spent a lot of time at the beach, fishing, enjoying time with family and friends, doing all the things I think makes christmas so special. We have been thinking a lot about our other angel friends Blake, Naomi, James, Cameron, Kahlilla, Shakir, Jayden and others we did not know as/of well. I hope thier families find peace at this time of year knowing their precious child is not alone but among friends who walked the road with them and made it to their beautiful home in their own time. Ranita told me something a while ago that only made sense very recently to me that they choose their time to go very carefully, that there is often special significance to the time they pass away. I realised not long ago that Josh passed on the 2yr anniversary of the first day he entered the oncology ward at PMH on 13th May. I had spent ages thinking he had tried to make it to the anniversary of his diagnosis on 16th May. Not so, the nightmare really began for him on that day and it was fitting he ended the suffering on that day also.

Finally, I just want to quickly send out happy birthdays to some of those with birthdays coming up in the next couple of weeks; Mum, Lachie, Chloe, Aaron and a very happy anniversary to my husband of seven years on 11th January Peter. Through hard times and good has taken on a whole new meaning in the last three years but we're still here!

I am going now to have fun with my family, may you all have a fantastic year in 2010 and spread love and magic to your friends and family,

Hannah