Wednesday, November 3, 2010
It's been so long since I updated...nothing much has changed in our little world. Josh still dominates every thought I have every single day and there is no relief. Some days are worse than others or should I say some days are better than others if I am trying to be "Glass-half-full". I will never understand what has happened to Josh and although I can see why he was sent to us I still think surely there had to be a better way of teaching us that giving us a little piece of magic and light and then stealing it away again so we are plunged into darkness. Other people are moving on with their lives but we are trapped in grief with our little man who's Forever Five.
When Josh was here our lives were full to overflowing with love and laughter. Now our cups are just that little less full. The world has lost some of it's beauty and every incredible moment is tinged with the thought that it isn't quite as special without Josh here to share it. He deserved to have a wonderful life and instead got cheated with the life of pain and distress he was given. My dreams are always plagued by the same question, whether at the end he could feel as much pain as we believe he did and was as distressed as we were when he drifted away. Did he see us fall apart?
Our other little whirlwind keeps us motivated to get through this and she is really an amazing girl. Anika is so good at everything she does and her opportunities seem endless as all children's should. She is filled with this amazing potential to be anything she wants to be and we are so proud of her. She has started Girl Guides and Irish Dancing in the last couple of months and she is very good! She loves Guides because she can get together with other kids and just have fun. She told me not long ago that she is scared of being alone and hates it, meaning with no brother beside her. She said now Joshy is gone and Aaron doesn't want to see her she is all alone. It breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do to fix this.
I am not trying to say our lives are devoid of happiness and we are depressed with our lives. On the contrary, we are very grateful to have plenty of love, fun and two living and growing children to be with. It is just that the sadness can be overwhelming and many times it creeps up on you. When you look sad, other assume something has happened in the very recent past to upset you but it isn't so, you never forget your child, you carry them with you every second of the day. Sometimes they are light and joyful and help your heart get through the day and other days their memories are grey and of the bleakest moments. The mental images are so powerful that one moment you can be in a happy place and the next an image of suffering and pain flashes through your mind and you crumble on the inside.
The trouble is that our wounds are on the inside so they rarely show and we make a good go at getting on with things and we do genuinely cope quite well but there are times when nothing but one of Joshy's radiant smiles could drive the darkness out. Nothing erases memories, either happy or distressing, they just cycle in your head making a sort of white noise in the background of your life.
So the next time I look sad or uspet, don't assume it is problems in my day to day life that are affecting me, they are insignificant. Really how can anything be OK without the centre of our world? That's all, just needed to get that off my chest.
To all the families, especially the angel families both new and those from years past, our love and very happy memories are with you all at one of the challenging times of the year. The times that you can't help but making milestones of like I do; Josh's first christmas in heaven, Josh would have been six today, my first birthday without Josh. This month is our milestone of "Josh would have been 7 today" on 29th November. These dates bring back memories both happy and sad and serve to magnify my sense of loss as I imagine it does other angel families. I will be thinking of each and every one of your children and hear the echos left behind of their laughs and see their sweet faces in my minds eye. Love to you all,