Thursday, April 1, 2010


Elephant Rocks, paradise on earth

Anika's First day of school

Holly Saphira McKenzie

Immie and Anika

It has been so long since I posted I don't know what I have said last time! We have been going along reasonably OK recently but with the odd bursts of complete devastation and overwhelming sadness. One day that was so full of joy but also sadness that Josh could not be there was the birth of darling little Holly my best friend Laura's sweet girl. Josh loved babies and would have been so gentle and loving with her. I could picture him holding her when I took Anika up there to meet her a few hours after she was born. I was so privileged and grateful to be the only person other than Laura and Laughton to be at the birth and to be official photographer for such an emotional and private experience. I still cannot believe I got to witness a new life be born! It is so completely different to giving birth yourself with the anxiousness for someone you love so much being in such pain and not physically being able to do anything about it. You were amazing guys, so calm and relaxed, I am in awe of this perfect little princess you created who I will be forever tied to by this incredible moment in time.

Another such time full of joy and sadness was our day in Denmark going snorkelling (Anika's first time and another first Josh never got to have) at Green's Pool where we went on our camping trip with Josh and Danny and Brayden last summer. We visited the ironically named Elephant Rocks where the beauty of the scenery just overwhelms you and the meadery for honey icecream which was one of Joshys favourite places in the world. He just affects my every moment in so many ways. Many days at night I go to his room and curl up in his bed with his blankie and cry until I am empty. It never goes away, but some moments hit you more than others.

Anika's first day and first term of school went wonderfully. She has made so many friends, especially Lily, Kate, Nyssa and Ashlyn. She can write her own name almost right. She is met every day by a group of kids calling her to play with them "Hi Anika, come and dig in the sand pit with us!" and is liked by her teachers who see how bright and outgoing she is. I am so happy she enjoys it and celebrate every little victory with her, enjoying being parent helper and seeing the new projects she has done. But I feel this creeping bitterness that Josh never got this chance. He should have had friends waiting at the gate for him. He should have been the teachers pet. He was clever and funny and sweet. Why did my beautiful, intelligent, dazzling little boy not get this life too? Why is he not starting year one with his friends and why did he get left behind? This will never, never, never make sense because it is completely illogical.

Our very special and charismatic friend Immie is nearing the end of her Journey too and I just weep for the things she did and had to do because of this shit of a disease, and I weep for the things she will never get to but should by rights have got to do. What reason is there that she should be taken? I made this bargain with God when Josh relapsed "OK God, so you have to take Joshy. I knew it would come. Just do one thing for me please, just one little thing OK? Just leave us Immie. Her family needs her, WE need her to be OK, to live, to love to grow up and make mistakes and learn from them like the rest of us. If she gets this life my son should have had, I will never ask for anything else, I promise. Amen" Well, God broke his end of the bargain didn't he? And right now I have to say I feel that God, you suck! There is no sense to this, no purpose and no benefit from my beautiful friends suffering and her family hurting more than she does having to bear witness to her pain.

I wish you a painfree journey Immie and a peaceful rest you have earned a thousand times over with the fight you put up. Go with love in your last walk however long or short it may be knowing Josh, Blake, James, Naomi, Savanna and so many others will be there to take your hand. You will not be alone and you will be loved and remembered always.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi there Hannah,
I just wanted to let you know that this post really touched me. I'm a friend of Lilla's ( and I followed to link through her site.
Losing a child is so painful, and I relate to everything that you said. I'm praying for Immie and her family and also for your family too. This is crap, it is not fair!!!!!
Glad that your little daughter is still living on in Josh's memory and living life to the fullest. She's sounds like a sweetie.

Thank you and hope you have a good day!